Tragedy into Publicity

Poor Gordon Brown's having yet another tough week after it has emerged he misspelt a dead soldier's name on a condolence letter sent to his grieving mother, Jacqui Janes whose son Jamie was killed in Afghanistan's Helmand Province in October. For one reason or another this story has ended up slap bang on the Editor of the Sun's desk and there are now various videos of Jacqui on the Sun website calling it disgusting and other, equally as emotive, superlatives.

So, bearing in mind the guy has ONE eye, and will probably be borderline blind in a matter of years, isn't it a bit of a low-blow to have a pop at his handwriting? Before the Sun got hold of this publicity coup didn't Mrs Janes at least think that her son would rather she didn't make a huge furore? I know I would. I'm not Gordon's biggest fan, nor am I remotely sticking up for the government, but I would say that it's a good idea to maintain a modicum of perspective in this matter - or at least a modicum of dignity. Having my mother weeping on Prime Time television is hardly what I would want.

Frankly, the fact that Jacqui Janes allowed the Sun to the entire phone conversation discussing her dead son with Gordon Brown is the most shameful aspect of this story, not simple misspellings. Then again, grief works in mysterious ways but does it lead the brain to make a quick phonecall to the Sun switchboard?

Gordon done wrong. He knows it. He knows that that letter should have been proofread and spellchecked a thousand times by his team of PA's and advisors before it had been sent out, but maybe his intern was protesting at the lack of pay he was getting and refused to do his job properly?

A Genuinely Farsical Week in British Politics

There are times when you just stand there and watch things go by with such amazement because you really cannnot fathom how unbelievably stupid some people are. This week was one of those weeks. My housemates literally had to ask me to leave the room as I screamed obscenities at the television screen. Not at Mr Griffin, I might add, but at Jack Straw, the crowd who submitted the questions and ultimately the BBC for allowing what should have been a pedestrian broadcasting of Question Time to turn into a witch hunt towards one single person on the panel.

No I did not have a problem with Nick Griffin becoming a member on the panel, nor did I (naively) particularly think that there would be THAT much of a fuss about it. I thought people would have been sensible to let it pass as a mere blip on the BBC ratings scale, and then we'd return to Croydon or Northampton - or whevever it is next week without so much of a whisper of the three letters 'BNP'. But no. This did not happen.

Nick Griffin isn't stupid. He didn't walk into a total bear-trap in which he was caught completely off guard. He knew what was going to happen. He knew if he could find one aspect in the broadcasting that was even vaguely biased he could exploit it EVEN further to keep his name and his party's name in the media and political agenda and the BBC which appears, at the moment to be run by GAP year interns, laid it out on a platter for him.

Look at the media storm now. It's still continuing as Griffin accuses the BBC, in his own words, of changing the format of the show therefore keeping his smarmy wonky-eyed face on the first few pages of every newspaper. This is something they are definitely guilty of and should have predicted this would happen. And as the storm continues, Nick Griffin's going to ride it all of the way.

Was it the BBC's fault for allowing him on the show? Of course not Peter Hain! - be quiet. The man is an elected Member of the European Parliament. The man has a mandate from the people to make decisions in the European Parliament on behalf of them. To not allow him on the show would be not only undemocratic, but would contravene everything the BBC stands for.

Griffin knew there would be tension on his arrival at the BBC studios, and boy was he right. He loved every second, and every single one of those white-middle class students as well as the Unite Against Fascism can hold themselves responsible for that. Well done for protesting against something you don't really understand. Ironically there were more cameras than protesters. Try and save the world a little better next week, or at least read up a little first.

Sky high viewing figures will indicate why I'm so unbelievably frustrated with the media's knee-jerk reaction to Griffin's ordination to the well-esteemed Question Time panel which seems to be full of the same faces every week. Why did Griffin's appearance even need that much attention. To get people who aren't even remotely interested in politics to watch a politics show with such animosity takes a PR stunt of epic proportions which, in this case, was handled by a few select members of the British government. Well done.

So lets analyse the results of Nick Griffin's appearance on Question Time. A YouGov poll suggests that 22% of people questioned would 'seriously consider' voting BNP in the General Election. Quite a high number which, I would suggest, wouldn't actually be the case if an election come along tomorrow but it's definitely a large proverbial kick up the arse to New Labour's immigration policy.

Peter Hain says that "The BBC has handed the BNP the gift of the century on a plate and now we see the consequences.", and he is very very wrong in this assertion.


To the Gordon Browns and Alan Johnsons of this world: This is YOUR mess.

Michael Wackson's Send Off

Wasnt this so delightfully tacky and obscene? A celebrity-infested cess-pool of mourning and OTT speeches dedicated to a man who, whilst being the King of Pop, juggled his spare time sleeping in the same beds as pre-teens and dangling his children out of windows.

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm sad the guy died. Anyone going in their fifties is tragic to say the least. But was he, in the words of his daughter Paris, "the best father ever" - well, I would hasten a bet at no. Sure, this is primarily coming from assumption, but as far as I'm concerned Michael Jackson is about as responsible with his children as Britney Spears is.

Is sleeping in the same beds as chilren un-related to you the work of a responsible adult, irrespective of whether anything actually happens? An extension of baby-sitting maybe? Is paying off the families of said children also a responsible thing to do? No. If you pay to end a court case, it wreaks of culpability, and I would have to say this was probably the case. Reverend Blah says that there was nothing wrong with Michael Jackson, REALLY, REALLY? Yes Jackson was a product of his upbringing, certainly, but that is no excuse whatsoever. Much like it was no defense for the thousands on paedophilia charges. Is spending time with children un-related to you, 'normal'? Oh yeah, yeah totally is - bear with my whilst I finish playing footsie with James my five year old next door neighbour whilst his younger sister Jessica massages my back.

Ridiculous.

Gordon Brown in Pretending to be English non-shocker.

Okay so I just saw Gordon Brown launching the England 2018 Football World Cup and bearing in mind how he's SCOTTISH, the amount of times he referred to England as 'his country' was laughable. It's not you're country fat-boy, you're from Scotland. If England had it's way you wouldn't even be Prime Minister. Stop using your dodgy rhetoric to try and promote British unity around England's World Cup bid, when in reality the other Home Nations will be gagging for England to lose. I know you're paranoid that this World Cup bid will force a rise in English nationalism but 2018 is England's year not Britain's, so go away.

Alex Salmond Claims Full Amount for Food Expenses

Yep, the modern day William Wallace claimed a total of £1,751.50 on food expenses. Presumably taking the English for all they're worth.


Mind you, looking at this photo and the bursting shirt, the £1,751.50 does make sense...

Expenses Proving Very Expensive...

Okay. So...here's the deal. MP's have been claiming on expenses for ridiculous things. We got Aga's, Lawnmowers, Dog Food - and even porn. But you know the one that really got me. David bloody Willets - this very capable man spent £100 hiring, yes you read it right, hiring workmen to change his f---ing LIGHTBULBS. Dave, I could change lightbulbs when I was six. In what sense EVER would a man need to hire people to change his lightbulbs. I bet your wife is REALLY proud.

Was it the buying or the screwing that proved the most testing Dave? Or are you really a five year old child in disguise. Were you scared that you'd get an electric shock? Tell me please how a member of parliament can shadow a government deparment, yet has to actually hire people to change his lightbulbs. Presumably your daughter or son could have changed the lightbulbs whilst you were dilly dallying in Westminster. Or were they away at Eton. On expenses presumably?

Three - A Conclusion

So, I got a lovely phonecall from Three, and the conclusion was to cancel my contract FOR FREE, give me my final month (this month) free, and refund me a prior bill of £26. I have to send the W595 back which is a shame cos I could've got £80-£100 for that heap on ebay - but whatever. Nokia 5800 on Vodafone beckons next week. Awesome.

Megabus - A Conclusion

So, they refunded me the full £30! Brilliant.

The Alternative Take Versus Brian Souter of Stagecoach Group PLC

Long story short; bus was late, Megabus is still shit, and there is still no men on Mars. Lets see how far we can take this one.


Brian Souter
Chairman of Stagecoach
10 Dunkeld Road
Perth
PH1 5TW
Scotland

Dear Mr Souter,

I am writing this letter in order to seek your advice. On Saturday the 28th of March I was on the Aberdeen to London Service, departing Aberdeen Bus Station at 19.15pm and arriving in London on the 29th of March at Victoria Coach Station at 7.05am for which I paid £15 for. The first coach we were on started making weird sounds and it was replaced just outside Cumbria after a 30 minute wait and a further drive. On arriving to the next bus we were then squeezed from an original double deck bus to a single deck bus – which, as you can imagine, was a very tight squeeze.

About two hours into the new journey on the new bus the bus was stopped and the driver got out of the bus and advised us that we would yet again have to be changing buses as the Emergency Exit at the rear of the bus was not working.

We drove a little further and got onto the third and final bus which, touch wood, was fine and in the end got us into London two hours late. When I initially booked the bus I also booked a subsequent train leaving from London Liverpool Street at just after 9 o’clock, giving myself a two hour gap in case of delays and in case there was Sunday morning congestion on the tubes. I thought this would be enough. It wasn’t. We arrived in Victoria at roughly 9.30 on the Sunday morning, and therefore I missed my connecting train.

Whilst I appreciate that buses can be susceptible to delays, I did not expect that a bus would be replaced simply because the Emergency Exit was not checked before the passengers got onto the second bus. This led the bus driver to drive exceptionally slow for a long period of time, and could have been avoided had the appropriate checks taken place. I use Megabus frequently, and never have I experienced such poor management of a bus service. I would not be complaining had I paid a mere £1 for my journey, but due to the fact that I paid £15 for the journey I felt I had to do something. My connecting train was of an initial price of £7, as it was pre-booked, but I had to pay £15 or so on arrival at Liverpool Street Station in order to catch the next train.

I’m severely disappointed as the delays could have been avoided and I, like many others, would not have suffered the delays we experienced.

I would appreciate a reply in writing.

Yours sincerely,

The Alternative Take


All this letter-writing makes me feel like Adrian Mole. I still have three essays I need to do for university. Uh oh.

The Alternative Take Versus Kevin Russell of Three

Okay, so I snapped. I've been with three for 17 months, and I just upgraded and the service got worse. I'm pissed off cos I get delayed text messages, no reception ever, ANYWHERE, and the phone I got sucks reaaaaallly badly. The Irish guy in the shop pretty much hypnotised me to sign a new contract and I naively and duly delivered. I'll write a letter I thought; worked the last time.






Here it is:


Kevin Russell
Chief Executive of Three
Star House
20 Grenfell Road
Maidenhead
Berkshire SL6 1EH

8th April 2009

Dear Mr Russell,

I am writing this letter to you after two months of increasingly poor service from Three. I recently upgraded my phone, and this seems to have made the service even worse. Shouldn’t you be treating your current and extending customers with slightly better service? Your ineptitude of providing decent coverage in my area drives me absolutely mad. I live 60 miles from London, one of the most important capitals in the world and I cannot even get enough reception to make a simple phone call, and when I do stand on a high enough hill to make a phone call or connect to the internet the coverage seems to change with the wind. Is this really what should be happening? I applaud and thank you for neglecting the South of England. Half the year I also live in the North of Scotland, and there the reception is sparse at best.

Even more annoyingly, I go to London very frequently and I was standing in East London – just down from Liverpool Street Station, and what a surprise. No reception. Frankly it is ridiculous.

Despite the negatives there are some positives. I do agree that Three has done some brilliant wrangling to get contracts written up with Skype and MSN, however I do feel that what should be of tantamount importance to a Mobile Phone company is providing adequate coverage in order for their customers to make a call. Maybe instead of multi-million pound deals with major corporations you should be aiming to provide the best quality service to your customers – which, you don’t.

I would like to cancel my contract with you with immediate effect and receive a full refund of my past two monthly payments to you because during those two months the coverage I have received and ability of my phone to make a call has been appalling. I’m tired of wondering around with my phone above my head to try and send a text message. Frequently I have had to wait over a day to receive certain text messages, and this leaves me considerably out of step. They should be instant, that’s the point.

If I was paying £10 a month for the service I receive from you I wouldn’t be sending this letter. But for £21 a month or £252 a year I expect much better service.

I would appreciate a reply in writing.

Yours sincerely,


The Alternative Take

I will of course keep you updated on my progress. Sad thing is, Kevin Russell looks like a real nice guy. Bet he's got an iPhone on 02 though. Next up; Megabus.

The Alternative Take Versus Stephen Hester of Natwest

Ok, so I hate Natwest. I've always hated Natwest. The only reason I ever joined in the first place was so I could get a solo debit card at the age of 16 and could buy things off the internet, but that was just about the only good thing about them.

I was absolutely shocked and bemused when I received a forwarded letter from my Mum in England to me in Scotland detailing that I owed National Wesminster Bank PLC a total of £282.18 in bank fines that had been accumulating on an initial -£3.50 that had been direct debited from my account for my website - which my Paypal account mysteriously didn't cover.

Hmmn, I thought.

I rang them up and the lovely chap on the end of the phone told me that I HAD to pay the money, or face bailifs coming round my house. It's not even MY house. I tell you what, you can have my collection of priceless Clash records if you wipe my fines right? Forget that, I like The Clash - hands off and f--k off, I'm not letting you take Combat Rock away from me.

So I wrote this:


Stephen Hester
Chief Executive National Westminster Bank
135 Bishopsgate
London EC2M 3UR

24th February 2009,

Dear Mr Hester,


Last week my Mother forwarded a letter from National Westminster Bank to me at my new address in Scotland, detailing that I owe you £282.18 on account number xxxxxxx and reference number xxxxxxxxxxxxxx.

This is the first letter I have received from home regarding my NatWest account with you as it is no longer my main account and I have not deposited money nor withdrawn money from it in half a year. I opened the letter and to my amazement noticed the outstanding balance of £282.18, to which I could not account for. Immediately I was under the impression that someone had defrauded my account and that, due to me using another bank account as my primary account, I had not noticed until now and assumed that ringing the bank would lead to it being settled. I rang the number provided and spoke to someone in your Collections Centre and was told, to my utter surprise, that I had amassed £282.18 in fines due to the fact that I had gone overdrawn by £3.50 many months ago, and that after the initial fine of £38, another £28 was added per month that the money hadn’t been repaid. I did not realise this would happen and did not realise, indeed, that it was happening.

I have incurred fines before with NatWest and have paid them all off despite, I may add, the disproportionate level of fine compared with the actual overdrawn amount. I have always been confused with NatWest’s level of fines of £38 whilst their parent company Royal Bank of Scotland only charge £10 per item overdrawn. In fact, had I known I was going to go into an overdraft position, I would have arranged one with you, just like I have done with my other bank. Not only that, but there have been calls to my Mother’s address at 8.30am for the past few mornings requesting that I call the bank. This incident has nothing whatsoever to do with her, and the phone calls have left her upset especially due to their awkward and frequent pestering. It’s also interesting why I didn’t receive a phone call when the initial amount was accumulating and that you waited six months to get in touch with me.

This is appalling lack of judgement on your part and considering my age of 20 and as a full time student, frankly disgusting. When I further called the Collections Centre I was told the calls would only stop if I delivered a letter to a local branch detailing my concerns and/or paid off the outstanding balance in full. The man on the other end of the phone threatened that I may have to deal with debt collectors because the claim against me was going to a ‘default stage’. I’m not entirely sure as to whether his hostile role was company policy or individual discretion, but I was worried and anxious that my Mum would be affected by this policy and his lack of tact. Had I known that these fines were building on my account from an early stage, I would have settled them immediately. But you did not give me the chance to do so.

My old house phone (my Mother’s current phone) has been on record with you since I have had this bank account, which is well over 7 years, but you waited for the optimum time to call me to demand money owed. Why did you not call sooner? What was stopping you? I’m extremely dumfounded that I owe this level of money, I am shocked that £3.50 has turned into nearly £300, it’s appalling that you, as a bank in a position of power can try to exploit and try to take advantage of small print to push through a inexcusable and immoral level of fining on my account without my knowledge.

I would like you to respond personally to me, advising how we can go forward with this. It’s obvious I cannot pay this amount, and I don’t even have assets totalling that amount!

Yours Sincerely,

Signed "The Alternative Take"

Cc: Alistair Darling MP, Frank Doran MP

And there it was.

Literally two days later, I recieved a letter in the post. Called Stephen Hester's office, and spoke to a very apologetic deputy who informed me that ALL my fines would be wiped, and they were very sorry that it had got to that stage.

This escapade has told me to be careful with my money, don't ever bank with Natwest, taught me that the banks can be beaten, oh and to write more letters.

Okay, so I like writing letters.

In short, I like writing letters.

Stroppy letters.

You know the ones that ask for blood and guts, ones that go straight to the throat to the recepient. Ones that when they read what I have to say they will cry and bow down to my every command. If I get bad service from a company, I'll tell them, and I will want certain monetary refunds or allowances.

Most people don't bother. But I'm sick and tired of my bank, my mobile phone company, my internet company and public transport. It drives me nuts and I'm going to hit back. I give my most recent example above.

GP Idiocy

So, I needed to book an appointment because my girlfriend and I discovered a dubious lump on my back. So I ventured out of my cubby-hole and across a couple of roads and made my way into my local GP because I thought it would be the sensible thing to do.

“We’ve got no appointments this week, how about next month?”

Next month, are you literally kidding? It’s the first of the month today! That’s thirty days, and you’re telling me that for thirty days your appointments are so busy you can’t fit me in for ten minutes? Has the whole city of Aberdeen booked in for STD tests or something? And anyway, what if I’m dead by then, the reason is going to be because you couldn’t fit me in and that’ll be me, done. Don’t I get another chance to survive, please?!?!

“Well you can call-in in the morning to see if we have any available appointments released at the beginning of the day, we suggest ringing at 8 to 8.30” Great, thanks for that. My life’s going to depend on whether my alarm goes off in the morning, what if my battery dies, or there’s a power cut and it resets the time. Imagine if this had happened to Charles Darwin. Oh sorry Charlie, we can’t fit you in to see to your minor curable but potentially fatal stomach bug because Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s coming in for his Meningitis Jab, and then later we’ve got Jane Austen coming in for a pregnancy test.

This ran through my mind.

So I duly saved the phone number in my mobile, and called up at bang on 8.30 like I was supposed to.

I’d like to book an appointment please.

“Is it an emergency?”

No, why would it be an emergency? Why on earth would I call Old Aberdeen Medical Practice in the time of an emergency? Oh no, Russia have just launched a nuclear bomb on the USA, let’s call the Old Aberdeen Medical Practice to let them know. I haven’t forgotten the three digit ‘999’ number and remembered the 11 digit number to a local Medical Centre have I? I’m not a moron. I want to book an appointment at a casual time of my choosing so it fits in with my hectic schedule.

“Is it serious?”

Sorry? How am I meant to know? I mean, come on. The reason I’m coming to you is because I want you to DIAGNOSE ME. As stupid as it sounds, that’s what I want to happen. If I didn’t think it was serious then why would I bother turning up? Or how about I just self diagnose myself using Google and Yahoo questions – maybe they’d offer a greater enlightenment.

“Okay, I’ll organise it for you, what’s your date of birth?”

Why? Are you going to send me a birthday card? Surely my actual name would be a more sensible requirement?

“...and your name?”

Maybe we could have started with that, lovey?

“Does 11.30 sound good with you?”

Well it clashes with my Pilates class, but I guess it will have to do.

The Strange Death of Liberal England?

So, yet another group of people have been banned from entering the United Kingdom on the basis that the British Government oppose "extremism in all forms". Okay you may think, but shouldn't people be able to come to this country to exert their beliefs, irrespective of how unbelievably insane they are? Sure, the members of the Westboro Baptist Church aren't British citizens, but considering, historically, Great Britain has always been a breeding ground and safe haven for 'extremism' from all areas of the world so I ask the question- is this the end of Liberal England?

If it is, I'm not really too concerned. Sure people should be allowed to have free speech, but y'know it doesn't really effect me. I'll keep doin' what I'm doin', whether it be reading the Das Kapital on a Monday in the Marks and Sparks cafe, or reading Mein Kampf on a Sunday. Mein Kampf's not extremist, right?

If it isn't, then why can't people come here to do what they want? I'm not talking about allowing Ol' Osama back to attach C4 outside Downing Street, nor am I advocating the return of Robert "I hate Britain, yet my country's official language is English; isn't it ironic?" Mugabe? But surely some absolute fucking morons holding up signs saying "Death to Fags" and "God Hates The USA" isn't anymore offensive than the multitute of signs that were held up by those protesting against the Danish Cartoons, or the Iraq War calling George Bush "Number 1 Terrorist"?

Maybe there's a bit of a double standard going on? Maybe not? I'm just putting it out there. Either way, the Westboro(<- Shouldn't there be a 'ugh' on the end of that, or did it get lost in translation?) Baptist Church holding up signs saying "Priests Rape Kids' is pretty funny whichever way you look at it...

The Nightmare of Supermarkets

Isn't it the case that whenever you enter a Supermarket/Store of any sort, the queue suddenly expands in size? Walk in, queue is five strong. Take five minutes to get eggs, bacon and bread and the queue is now full of twenty angry people trying to get served because OH WHAT A SURPRISE there's only two people on the bloody cashier. Now at this point you're sweating because you know there's a deal on the bacon. Two for £5, and you're scared that when you get to the end of the queue the deal won't work and you're f---ed. What do you do at this point? You can take tact number a) "What was the price on that bacon mate? I thought there was a deal on." and risk angering the twenty grumbling people who are now behind you for halving the number of working staff because you have to show said cashier said deal on said bacon? Or you can take tact b) and ignore it, and be a mug and pay £3 per pack. I mean, you're only saving a quid right? It's not the end of the road. You'll get home, whack the bacon on the George Foreman and it will be worth the extra-quid. Or is it? Do you get home and the bacon sticks to the pan like a child does to its mother?

Last week advertised Flora was £1.52 on the shelf. Fine, £1.52's a good price for Flora. I took it to the cashier (queue was MASSIVE) and he scanned it through as £3.80.
TACT A FLEW ACROSS MY HEAD

"Woah, hold up there mate" I exclaimed, "Says £1.52 on the shelf" - I lead the guy to the shelf and he tells me the that the price of £1.52 is for NORMAL Flora, not PROACTIVE Flora like I've got.

"Pray find me some NORMAL Flora I yell in his face" - and he can't find any. So what he does is let me off with the price and scans it through as £1.52 - what a gent I tell him.

Do you have a clubcard, it helps you spend less.

"No I really REALLY don't have a clubcard, how does it make me spend less?" Would me having a clubcard changed the fact that you tried to charge me the best part of a fiver for a tub of bloody butter?"; What is it anyway? A card that proclaims you part of the Tesco Elite? And stop asking me whether I have one or not, I come in here every day and NEVER EVER have one, why would it change?

Oh yeah, actually, I woke up one night having a nightmare that I was buying a pack of Doritos and I didn't have a clubcard and it rendered me useless and I suddenly felt I was Daniel Radcliffe standing naked infront of an audience and that my semi hadn't worked and there I was, immature, with hordes of people including my girlfriend and my mother laughing at me.

No that never happened, and no I don't have a f---ing clubcard.

Postings...

I appreciate my posting on this blog have been erratic at best, I do try. But my warm bed, back-catalog of Dexter episodes and doting girlfriend do get in the way sometimes. I gest of course, I'm just lazy - although the former doesn't help. I really must clean my room and do the shopping.

A Question of Beckham

Should he stay or should he go now? If he stays in Milan it will be trouble, if he goes back to the US it will be double.

What does poor Dave do. He's already expressed the fact that he wants to stay in Italy, and therefore if he goes back to America it will be apparent that he doesn't want to be there. If, however, he stays in Italy - he would be forever known as the first English footballer to fail to break America.

People have criticised David Beckham, saying that he merely paid lipservice to the fact that he wanted to ignite the passion for Association Football in the U.S. and that he didn't really care about the state of football in America. But comeon, give the poor guy a break. Year on year since his induction into the limelight David Beckham has received death threats, hassle as well as slander aimed against him in both the public and private sphere. Is this going to hurt him? Of course not, he's a big boy now.

Should David Beckham stay in Italy, be adored, play decent football with world-class players, and continue in the England team? Or should he retreat back to America, be unheard of, play decent football with bad players and not continue in the England team. OOOH TOUGH CHOICE, YEAH HE'S SUCH A PRICK FOR WANTING TO STAY IN ITALY YEAH, WHAT A PRICK.

The shopping's also better in Milan, so it's not like Vicky's going to be gagging to go back to LA, although I bet she does have a penchant for Walmart.

The WHAT Factor?

So, Neil Tennant thinks that TV shows such as The X Factor degrade and undermine the idea of 'pop music', and that it ignores a large proportion of popular music. Okay, fair point. But what do you expect from a program aimed towards fifteen year old girls and fifty year old housewives?

People enjoy watching it. If it ain't broke don't fix it. Even I dabble into X Factor and American Idol politics when its repeated on ITV2. Oh and American Idol is waaay better than our version. Yeah it may be people regurgitating pop songs, badly. But who cares? It works as a program and is successful year upon year.

"Why don't they have, say, a new-wave week? Or 80s electro week?" Neil exlaims. Why? Why Neil? I'll tell you why. Because it's shit Neil, it's shit. How could you do a show which is based on solely vocal ability using 'electro' songs from the bloody 80's. No-one knows any 80's electro. Everyone was listening to the Boomtown Rats and punk rock then, and if anyone wants to do a cover of 'She's So Modern' then go ahead.

In fact Neil, why don't they do an 80's hair metal version of X Factor? Would that make you happy seeing Axl Rose wannabes churn through Metallica and Stryper covers. Good one, you're full of brilliant ideas. How about you sign up next year?

It's simple Neil. X Factor is a very successful entity. If you changed it into what you though it would be we could sit back and watch the rating slowly drop. 80's electro night? Good one mate.

It's Official - Blue Peter SUCKS

I remember when I used to run home from school and watch Blue Peter. This was in the days of Richard Bacon; so nearly ten years ago. Before he used to snort coke (see other posts for responsible drug use). I used to love sitting down with a slice of toast and a cup o tea and tune into Katy and the gang present a smorgasbord of delights for me, a ten year old boy to REALLY enjoy.

My first proper goal in life at this point was to get a Blue Peter badge. I never did for the record. I was too lazy. I wanted it purely because it cut the wheat from the chafe - and with one I was a proper kid. LOOK AT ME GUYS I CAN GET INTO THE NATURAL HISTORY MUSEUM FOR FREE HAHAHAHAHAH.

Oh yeah.

I initially wanted to be on Jim'll Fix It - but I didn't quite make the cut. Apparently asking for every Action Man figuring was "unreasonable" and I'd have to make do with just the grenade throwing James Bond version. I obviously declined. It was humiliating. I think I vaguely recall some girl being taken skydiving. And Action Men was unreasonable. Jeez. Lucky I turned out straight - or else I'd sue for damages.

Where am I going with this. Okay yeah. I think Blue Peter has lost its charm. Fledgling viewing figures and uh presenters that no-one really cares about. Is the Irish one still there? I remember her being okay. And I've actually met her. Get me, get me.

How about, the BBC commisions a kids' show where children vote to shoot paintballs directly into the faces of people they despise. First on my list would have been Jack and Jill, and the idiots at ITV who thought those evil bastards would be suitable for kids. I never slept a wink after watching an episode of that, and it still haunts me to this day. How about Dick and Dom directly after. Starting with Dick and ending in Dom. Take the Chuckle Brothers downt too - how they're still in a job is beyond me. Oh and Raven, bloody Raven. Whoever thought that up needs their head examining and should be put in a padded cell.

How about we start the revolution by getting Dave Benson Phillips and GET YOUR OWN BACK back on the box. That was a good laugh. I always dreamt of getting my Mum on there and exposing her as the evil genius she once was. But I'd feel guilty dunking the woman who gave birth to me into pus-esque gunge.

The BBC need to basically listen to me. Pay me £300,000 a year. Forget Ortis, forget Reggie, burn Fearne Cotton at the stake and give me a fucking job.

Crocodile Eats 5 Year Old Boy

So a five year old boy has just been taken and eaten by a crocodile in Queensland, Australia mate. It was apparently resident in a swamp behind the family house. Which leads me to beg the question, 'WHY WOULD YOU LIVE IN FRONT OF A CROCODILE INFESTED SWAMP?"Australia's a big place, they'd be pretty spoilt for choice where to live, I'm sure living on the top of Ayers Rock would be pretty safe, only if you don't suffer from Vertigo, mate.

I know "Beatiful four bedroom chalet in Queensland, with two bathrooms and a swimming pool with beautiful scenery and a CROCODILE INFESTED SWAMP - BY THE WAY YOU MIGHT DIE MATE" probably didn't feature in the Estate Agent's but come on, do your bloody research mate!

Why is the media saying 'feared dead', 'probably dead' - of course the kid's dead. The crocodile didn't take him for a cup of Earl Grey and a chicken sandwich. Mate.

Is a house with a crocodile infested swamp a suitable habitat for a family with young children? No. So why bloody move there mate?

"Oh no, my son got eaten by a fifteen foot alligator mate" - YEAH, because you're an absolute moron who thought it would be a good idea to live by a swamp, mate, deal with it. I don't live by a swamp, and my family members don't get eaten by crocodiles. SIMPLE MATE.

Bye Bye Phil Scolari!

The Premiership has quite literally done the double today. No less than half a day after the sacking of Tony Tony Adams as Pompey boss, Big Phil Scolari has bitten the dusk. I tell you, I'm not surprised.

Chelsea have been shockingly bad this season since he's been there. Yeah they're still fourth, yeah they're still in the FA Cup and yeah they're still in the Champions League. But the stark reality of it all is that a blind, deaf and dumb Mongoose could do equally as well with the quality of players Chelsea have at their disposal. That's basically A FACT.

"Felipe has brought many positives to the club since he joined" According to a Chelsea spokesman. What positives exactly? He's done an AVERAGE job that even Tony Adams could've done.

This isn't a race thing, but the dude could BARELY string an English sentence together. Now how does a manager who has English as his third language motivate an English league team? Answer; he can't.

"Oh, um, Lampar' you take centre ball in midfield and stop tackle and keep score, you understand Lampar'?"

What?

His interviews are barely comprehensible, and almost as bad as Juande Ramos's ones (when he actually bothered to do them). Chelsea need to get Mourinho back, or manage to persuade some other Premiership manager with big-bucks to come. PLEASE PLEASE GET GARY MEGSON.

I propose this question - Should English teams revert to using SOLELY good English speaking managers? Because for me that seems a sensible pre-requisite for the job.

OH MY GOD, UFO'S ARE SIGHTED

Yup, in Greece apparently. Of all the places they chose it was Greek Airspace. Coulda been my backgarden, but no. Aren't the beautifully arranged Tulips and Hydrangeas of my garden good enough for those not of this world? Perhaps not, perhaps their tastes lie in a different type of art. Maybe they'll be spotted slap bang in the middle of the Tate Modern, or The Louvre. Who knows.

I've always been of the opinion that there IS intelligent life outside of our tiny little microcosm that we call 'Earth'. In a universe so so massive, it's pretty arrogant and naive to believe that there is NOTHING else out there that could consitute intelligence. Of course, I'm not talking about Dr Who kinda aliens with beaks instead of feet or solar panels for eyes, but small insects or space plankton that sufficiently survive in the universe's atmosphere. Wouldn't that be cool? Perhaps there's a bug that once properly trained can fix car breaks, or diffuse a nuclear bomb. I'm digressing, naturally, but you get what I'm saying dontcha?

Okay, so this UFO was sighted right. So, I bet you're wondering "WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?", well I'll tell you:

"The object then shot off at incredible speed skyward and the jets failed to indentify anything."

Oh oh oh, what a coincidence. Maybe this is a massive government conspiracy or coverup. I'd love it to be, but once again we're foiled by reconaissance UFO's who only, it appears, want to float around the Med and get a suntan. But before we could properly find out. IT GOES AWAY.

Maybe they floated over London and saw the Spurs Arsenal game and got so so bloody bored they sped home not ever wanting to come back. Come back though guys, Spurs are better than that. I promise...

The Big Bong Theory

So, IT'S HAPPENED AGAIN. Richard and Judy's sprog Chloe has been choking on a fat bong at a party - and she's been photographed! Ironically after the glowing parents said that their children were so anti-Drugs. Evidently not. Perhaps if you spent time picking them up from school rather than presenting a shockingly tedious and mind-numbingly frustrating TV show at 5 O'Clock they wouldn't have become dependent on HARD DRUGS. I gest of course, but it raises a serious point...I wonder how many people in the public eye don't get caught smoking Cannabis or even worse; CRACK.

Maybe photos will arise of Leo Blair snorting coke off his pram handles, or perhaps Mihir Bose lying in a street corner with a tourniqet wrapped round his arm. I don't know, the world's going insane. Perhaps everyone who's famous does drugs? I mean, it makes sense right? Macaulay Culkin and Drew Barrymore were narcotic connoisseurs by the age of 14, so maybe anything is possible?

Poor old Chloe isn't even famous. That's the thing. Her fucking parents barely make the E list and there she is splattered over the News of the World for doing something that kids do when they're young. Incidentally, how much do you reckon this story is worth? £10 or £20? I might hang about parties that are held by the offspring of famous people on the offchance that I catch one of them lighting up a joint, or heating up a rock. How entrepreneurial of me?

I remember being in the company of two Premiership footballers once, and they asked me if I had any Cannabis and that they wished that I smoked so that they could have some. Would the News of the World be interested in that? I don't have photos though, and I also don't want to wreck someone's career just for a quick buck. If you're interested though, contact me and I'll divulge - although you have to trade an equally as exciting hot off the press story.

Oi 'Arry, why did ya say it?

So, it's official. Prince Harry is not just a bit of a racist. But he's an absolute idiot too. Did he not think that someone would eventually call him out on using the word Paki as a throwaway term, or has the frontline damaged his frontal lobe so much he can't discern from what is sensible and what isn't. Doesn't he realise that if he does stupid things PEOPLE WILL FIND OUT. It's not like he's Michael Phelps...

There was a kid at my school years ago who had the surname 'Paxman', we instinctively transformed this harmless English surname into the rather naive abbreviation of 'Paki'. This was waaaay before Labour and before anyone really thought that using racist terms to call their mates was a bad thing. You should have seen the look on other school's faces when we called for the ball in football in away games. Priceless.

Was that down to us being stupid? Yes. But it was due entirely to youthful innocence and the lack of being able to make the distinction between right and wrong. We knew it wasn't the best word to call him, but when we were in the playground we totally forgot about the connotations behind the word and that was how we justified it then and it's why I'm justifying it now.

Is this Harry being stupid? Yes again. Is it down to youthful innocence? Of course not. The 'man' should know better. Even if the man in question was totally fine with the fact that his friends and fellow allies referred to him as 'a Paki' then Harry should have realised that calling him a Paki in private, let alone on a bloody video camera was a BAD IDEA. Or did he not get taught the rights and wrongs of social discourse? Maybe they missed it out at Prince school. I certainly never got taught what was right and wrong, I was intelligent enough to work it out for myself. But the question here is: Is Harry?

Bye Bye Tony Adams!

Okay, so Tony Adams is going to be sacked in the morning from his post as manager of Portsmouth FC. He does know this by the way; I wasn't leaked the news early. I'm not THAT important. At least, I think he knows...

Is it just me or have Portsmouth handed Tony a massive death sentence in sacking him, because he really does look on the edge and has done for a very very long time. As a really successful player, this doesn't seem to have transcended into his managerial capabilities as he has helped Portsmouth suck an inordinate amount since Harry Redknapp left a few months ago. Moving swiftly on...

Every game there seems to be less hair on Tone's head, and the bags under his eyes are getting darker and darker. I do feel bad for the guy, has the alcoholism come back? The man who was once quote as saying:

"I don’t actually like people. I’m a loner and if I had my way I’d just walk my dogs every day, never talk to anyone and then die." - Bearing in mind the dude has a wife, he clearly is losing his grip on reality, surely? Okay mate. That's not nice on the missus or infact the kids.

Should Pompey have given Tony more of a chance? How about they shouldn't have hired him in the first place! The guy sucked hard at High Wycombe, a not very good club. Why did the Portsmouth board even think hiring him was a good idea? Maybe they're effing mad too! We'll never know. As I sit behind my tiny computer screen I wonder what the delights of English football will have in store for Adams? You can come work as Assistant Manager at Colchester United if you want mate!

I wonder what Paul Merson thinks?

Here's a few Tony quotes to make you smile:

"Left alone with our own heads on, we can be pretty mental"

"I've been preparing the boys - I told the centre-halves to get ready with their tin helmets"

Barmy.

No God???

"There is plenty of evidence for God [...] But there is scant evidence on the other side" cries Stephen Green, national director of Christian Voice from the roof of his church in Hounslow. Really Stephen? Is that right? Heard of a guy called Charles Darwin? I think he came up with some evidence that constitutes a bit more than 'Scant'. Even if you are a Theist you'd appreciate that The Theory of Evolution was a bit more than 'scant' evidence.

Irrespective of whether you actually believe in the Christian Bible, surely you should still advocate Free Speech. If you believe that Jesus Christ was the son of God and you read the Bible with intensity, you'd know that Jesus was a large advocate for Free Speech. Maybe not though. I suppose it depends on your interpretation. Stephen goes on to say;

"There is plenty of evidence for God, from people's personal experience, to the complexity, interdependence, beauty and design of the natural world"

That's not really 'evidence' is it? Evidence would be God coming down, teaching you to fly and it being caught on CCTV.

What I'm saying is that Athiests have to deal with a barrage of pro-Theistic banners and why shouldn't it fly the other way around? We all think what we think, and we should be able to coexist and be able to promote our beliefs be it via advertising on billboards or handing out flyers. Agree?

The Jeremy Clarkson Angle...

Boo bloody hoo, Clarkson's done it again. He's made fun of someone in the public domain. So he called Gordon Brown a "one-eyed Scottish idiot", so what. He's just having a go, a quick joke for quick laugh. It's hardly a pre-emptive strike in an England vs Scotland race war.

We could even break this down just a little bit.

1. Does Gordon Brown have one eye? Yes.
2. Is Gordon Brown Scottish? Yes.
3. Is Gordon Brown an idiot? Well this one is up for debate. Personally, he's pretty inoffensive. He also DOESN'T make me laugh, when Jeremy Clarkson does. I won't make a total judgement on whether Gordon Brown is an idiot. I'd have to go through 12 years of his career in government and probably come to the conclusion that he is in fact not one.

I love the overblown reaction from Scottish Politicians though.

Some MSP had this to say:
"Such a comment is really a reflection on Jeremy Clarkson and speaks for itself"

You're right there. It proves that he's funny, knows how to get a reaction and you're a kilt-wearing fanny with a bean up your arse doing the exact same thing he expects and wants you to do.

"Most people here are proud that the prime minister is a Scot and believe him to be the right person to get the UK through this global economic crisis."

Most people where? In cloud cuckoo land? Or in Scotland? Why would people be proud? Is Iain Gray under the misconception that Scottish people wake up and are genuinely proud of Gordon Brown? I don't think they do pal, do ya ken what I'm saying mate? I'm pretty sure they already hated Jeremy Clarkson before this anyway.

Why is everyone so insensitive? So what, he had a dig at hookers and lorry drivers, he had a dig at Australians, and he has a dig at the French and Americans week in week out. But the last two are okay because...well they're just okay. But you can't offend the Jocks and blind people because that really is stupid, whereas the Yanks and Frogs are fair game. I guarantee I know more Americans than hookers and I guarantee there are more Americans than hookers in the world so why is it okay to have a dig at one but not at the other?

You become Prime Minister with the full expectation someone in some place and at any time is going to call you a ''wanker'', or in this case "a one eyed scottish idiot", you deal with it and move on. Which is what I'm sure Gordy has done, I'm sure he's not going to go crying to his mum in the Cairngorms because some sassenach has called him a mean name. Boo bloody hoo, what a load of old Gollywog.

Antony Worral Thompson stands defiant!!

Big news guys. Hold the phone. Stop EVERYTHING you're doing. Antony Worral Thompson, everyone's favourite rotund celebrity chef is having to close a massive FOUR restaurants. Oh no, what will I do? Worral Thompson (is that hyphened by the way?) is standing defiant at the closures of his eateries; "It makes me cry. It is appalling, to be honest"

Yeah it really does make me cry, Mr T, it's basically worse than genocide. Forget Gaza, forget the Congo, this is the REAL tearjerker. "I am furious that the banks didn't support me." he continues as emotion pours from his cheeks. Why should the support you Tone? It's hardly top of their list. I can picture it now.

Things to do. By The Banks

1. Try and resuscitate the Global Economy.
2. Bank loans to small business's in Rwanda in order to stimulate local economy.
3. Become more transparent so the government and people know what we're doing with their money.
4. Offer real tangible value, so it doesn't look like you're just sitting on our money and making MORE MONEY.
5. Help Antony Worral Thompson.

You come fifth on their list Worral, it's hardly a big thing for them is it. Or maybe you should have just handed your finances a little bit better than you did. Maybe instead of appearing on TV for every second of every day you could've sat down and watched Bargain Hunt with your employees and discuss new ways of dealing with the slowing down of the economy. Go back to the jungle mate.

No Cha Cha for Cha

In other news. A Korean lady of 68 years called 'Cha' has failed her written driving test for the 771st time this week. My mere two pales in comparison to this impressive feat. Has anyone notified the Guiness World Records? Because they really SHOULDN'T sleep on this. Channel Four *might* even make a program on it.

A local traffic officer said this "I feel sorry every time I see Cha fail. When she passes, I'll make a commemorative tablet myself and give it to her," I'm sure this will make her passing date all the more memorable Mr Jung-seok, you sweet sweet man. Maybe you should feel sorry for her Mr Jung-Seok because she appears to be a total utter moron. I could train my four year old blind Guinea-Pig to pass a Korean written driving test! And how about if you ever see her on the roads you should escort her to the nearest bus stop.

Frances Carpenter is even considering making a more up to date version of his 'Tales of a Korean Grandmother' to direct it towards a modern audience. Maybe Cha will have a cameo?

Apprently thus far the tests have cost her a mere £2000 to take. Isn't that the cost of a single driving lesson in Britain? Lucky she's not from here or else the financial burden would be intolerable.

Isn't her taking so many tests just a tad mean! Does her family egg her on every time she fails, or it is her own self determination that spurrs her through her past failures? Maybe they should just let her pass and hopefully she won't bother with the Practical test because she's too busy being shacked up with Mr Jung-Seok, or maybe they should just tell her to pursue a different avenue of transportation. A bicycle or a skateboard for example - you don't need tests for those.

Word on the streets of Seoul is that she is back next week for another written test, will it be 772nd time lucky for Cha? Either way I wish Cha the very best of luck next week, and fingers crossed I wont see her on the roads any time soon.

SNOOOOOOW!

Interesting how when two inches of snow hit the United Kingdom we come to a complete and utter abrupt halt. Yes, the nation who conquered half the world and created the International Language slows down when snow hits. Isn't this the ultimate irony?

TRANSPORT CHAOS they yell from every rooftop, MAYHEM AND MAJOR DISRUPTION flashes on our TV screens. Superlatives being banded about from every alcove of the media. Even Geoff Hoon justifies the governments position, "storing snow ploughs and extra gritting salt would be expensive, when the snowy weather is so unusual". How expensive Geoffrey? More expensive than the incredibly shocking Olympics 2012 logo, or not? This happens at least once a year Geoff - it's not unusual in the sense that it USUALLY happens aroung this time it's not like we live in Australia and it's been freak snowfall in the height of July. Aren't we meant to be stimulating the economy, and how can we do that with millions not at work just because salt will be a 'bit' expensive. Surely the damage to the economy would outweigh the cost of salt? Or maybe that's me making an assumption that salt is expensive and the economy isn't important.

Schools called off, people calling in to work citing "excessive snowfall" for the reason that they can't make it in to call centres. National Express quickly generating auto-messages so that people like me have to wait in an even longer phone queue than normal just because some spotty-faced teenager can't muster enough energy to sweep the snow off his BMX cycles two miles and sit down with a headset to tell me whether I can get the train from London to Brighton today. Is this right? The kind of snowfall we had recently is the kind that Scandinavians laugh off in their sleep. My Aunt lives in Oslo, and I notice that her Englishness is being phased out of her when she tells me that she made it into work with fifteen minutes to spare WHEN there was 12 Inches of snow barricading her door and her car wouldn't work until she'd put on all four snow chains and anti-freeze in the engine. A descendent of Robert Scott she may be but it still doesn't explain why she can make it to work when Dave Smith from Chester considers two inches of snow to be the beginning of the next Ice Age.