The Strange Death of Liberal England?

So, yet another group of people have been banned from entering the United Kingdom on the basis that the British Government oppose "extremism in all forms". Okay you may think, but shouldn't people be able to come to this country to exert their beliefs, irrespective of how unbelievably insane they are? Sure, the members of the Westboro Baptist Church aren't British citizens, but considering, historically, Great Britain has always been a breeding ground and safe haven for 'extremism' from all areas of the world so I ask the question- is this the end of Liberal England?

If it is, I'm not really too concerned. Sure people should be allowed to have free speech, but y'know it doesn't really effect me. I'll keep doin' what I'm doin', whether it be reading the Das Kapital on a Monday in the Marks and Sparks cafe, or reading Mein Kampf on a Sunday. Mein Kampf's not extremist, right?

If it isn't, then why can't people come here to do what they want? I'm not talking about allowing Ol' Osama back to attach C4 outside Downing Street, nor am I advocating the return of Robert "I hate Britain, yet my country's official language is English; isn't it ironic?" Mugabe? But surely some absolute fucking morons holding up signs saying "Death to Fags" and "God Hates The USA" isn't anymore offensive than the multitute of signs that were held up by those protesting against the Danish Cartoons, or the Iraq War calling George Bush "Number 1 Terrorist"?

Maybe there's a bit of a double standard going on? Maybe not? I'm just putting it out there. Either way, the Westboro(<- Shouldn't there be a 'ugh' on the end of that, or did it get lost in translation?) Baptist Church holding up signs saying "Priests Rape Kids' is pretty funny whichever way you look at it...

The Nightmare of Supermarkets

Isn't it the case that whenever you enter a Supermarket/Store of any sort, the queue suddenly expands in size? Walk in, queue is five strong. Take five minutes to get eggs, bacon and bread and the queue is now full of twenty angry people trying to get served because OH WHAT A SURPRISE there's only two people on the bloody cashier. Now at this point you're sweating because you know there's a deal on the bacon. Two for £5, and you're scared that when you get to the end of the queue the deal won't work and you're f---ed. What do you do at this point? You can take tact number a) "What was the price on that bacon mate? I thought there was a deal on." and risk angering the twenty grumbling people who are now behind you for halving the number of working staff because you have to show said cashier said deal on said bacon? Or you can take tact b) and ignore it, and be a mug and pay £3 per pack. I mean, you're only saving a quid right? It's not the end of the road. You'll get home, whack the bacon on the George Foreman and it will be worth the extra-quid. Or is it? Do you get home and the bacon sticks to the pan like a child does to its mother?

Last week advertised Flora was £1.52 on the shelf. Fine, £1.52's a good price for Flora. I took it to the cashier (queue was MASSIVE) and he scanned it through as £3.80.
TACT A FLEW ACROSS MY HEAD

"Woah, hold up there mate" I exclaimed, "Says £1.52 on the shelf" - I lead the guy to the shelf and he tells me the that the price of £1.52 is for NORMAL Flora, not PROACTIVE Flora like I've got.

"Pray find me some NORMAL Flora I yell in his face" - and he can't find any. So what he does is let me off with the price and scans it through as £1.52 - what a gent I tell him.

Do you have a clubcard, it helps you spend less.

"No I really REALLY don't have a clubcard, how does it make me spend less?" Would me having a clubcard changed the fact that you tried to charge me the best part of a fiver for a tub of bloody butter?"; What is it anyway? A card that proclaims you part of the Tesco Elite? And stop asking me whether I have one or not, I come in here every day and NEVER EVER have one, why would it change?

Oh yeah, actually, I woke up one night having a nightmare that I was buying a pack of Doritos and I didn't have a clubcard and it rendered me useless and I suddenly felt I was Daniel Radcliffe standing naked infront of an audience and that my semi hadn't worked and there I was, immature, with hordes of people including my girlfriend and my mother laughing at me.

No that never happened, and no I don't have a f---ing clubcard.

Postings...

I appreciate my posting on this blog have been erratic at best, I do try. But my warm bed, back-catalog of Dexter episodes and doting girlfriend do get in the way sometimes. I gest of course, I'm just lazy - although the former doesn't help. I really must clean my room and do the shopping.

A Question of Beckham

Should he stay or should he go now? If he stays in Milan it will be trouble, if he goes back to the US it will be double.

What does poor Dave do. He's already expressed the fact that he wants to stay in Italy, and therefore if he goes back to America it will be apparent that he doesn't want to be there. If, however, he stays in Italy - he would be forever known as the first English footballer to fail to break America.

People have criticised David Beckham, saying that he merely paid lipservice to the fact that he wanted to ignite the passion for Association Football in the U.S. and that he didn't really care about the state of football in America. But comeon, give the poor guy a break. Year on year since his induction into the limelight David Beckham has received death threats, hassle as well as slander aimed against him in both the public and private sphere. Is this going to hurt him? Of course not, he's a big boy now.

Should David Beckham stay in Italy, be adored, play decent football with world-class players, and continue in the England team? Or should he retreat back to America, be unheard of, play decent football with bad players and not continue in the England team. OOOH TOUGH CHOICE, YEAH HE'S SUCH A PRICK FOR WANTING TO STAY IN ITALY YEAH, WHAT A PRICK.

The shopping's also better in Milan, so it's not like Vicky's going to be gagging to go back to LA, although I bet she does have a penchant for Walmart.

The WHAT Factor?

So, Neil Tennant thinks that TV shows such as The X Factor degrade and undermine the idea of 'pop music', and that it ignores a large proportion of popular music. Okay, fair point. But what do you expect from a program aimed towards fifteen year old girls and fifty year old housewives?

People enjoy watching it. If it ain't broke don't fix it. Even I dabble into X Factor and American Idol politics when its repeated on ITV2. Oh and American Idol is waaay better than our version. Yeah it may be people regurgitating pop songs, badly. But who cares? It works as a program and is successful year upon year.

"Why don't they have, say, a new-wave week? Or 80s electro week?" Neil exlaims. Why? Why Neil? I'll tell you why. Because it's shit Neil, it's shit. How could you do a show which is based on solely vocal ability using 'electro' songs from the bloody 80's. No-one knows any 80's electro. Everyone was listening to the Boomtown Rats and punk rock then, and if anyone wants to do a cover of 'She's So Modern' then go ahead.

In fact Neil, why don't they do an 80's hair metal version of X Factor? Would that make you happy seeing Axl Rose wannabes churn through Metallica and Stryper covers. Good one, you're full of brilliant ideas. How about you sign up next year?

It's simple Neil. X Factor is a very successful entity. If you changed it into what you though it would be we could sit back and watch the rating slowly drop. 80's electro night? Good one mate.

It's Official - Blue Peter SUCKS

I remember when I used to run home from school and watch Blue Peter. This was in the days of Richard Bacon; so nearly ten years ago. Before he used to snort coke (see other posts for responsible drug use). I used to love sitting down with a slice of toast and a cup o tea and tune into Katy and the gang present a smorgasbord of delights for me, a ten year old boy to REALLY enjoy.

My first proper goal in life at this point was to get a Blue Peter badge. I never did for the record. I was too lazy. I wanted it purely because it cut the wheat from the chafe - and with one I was a proper kid. LOOK AT ME GUYS I CAN GET INTO THE NATURAL HISTORY MUSEUM FOR FREE HAHAHAHAHAH.

Oh yeah.

I initially wanted to be on Jim'll Fix It - but I didn't quite make the cut. Apparently asking for every Action Man figuring was "unreasonable" and I'd have to make do with just the grenade throwing James Bond version. I obviously declined. It was humiliating. I think I vaguely recall some girl being taken skydiving. And Action Men was unreasonable. Jeez. Lucky I turned out straight - or else I'd sue for damages.

Where am I going with this. Okay yeah. I think Blue Peter has lost its charm. Fledgling viewing figures and uh presenters that no-one really cares about. Is the Irish one still there? I remember her being okay. And I've actually met her. Get me, get me.

How about, the BBC commisions a kids' show where children vote to shoot paintballs directly into the faces of people they despise. First on my list would have been Jack and Jill, and the idiots at ITV who thought those evil bastards would be suitable for kids. I never slept a wink after watching an episode of that, and it still haunts me to this day. How about Dick and Dom directly after. Starting with Dick and ending in Dom. Take the Chuckle Brothers downt too - how they're still in a job is beyond me. Oh and Raven, bloody Raven. Whoever thought that up needs their head examining and should be put in a padded cell.

How about we start the revolution by getting Dave Benson Phillips and GET YOUR OWN BACK back on the box. That was a good laugh. I always dreamt of getting my Mum on there and exposing her as the evil genius she once was. But I'd feel guilty dunking the woman who gave birth to me into pus-esque gunge.

The BBC need to basically listen to me. Pay me £300,000 a year. Forget Ortis, forget Reggie, burn Fearne Cotton at the stake and give me a fucking job.

Crocodile Eats 5 Year Old Boy

So a five year old boy has just been taken and eaten by a crocodile in Queensland, Australia mate. It was apparently resident in a swamp behind the family house. Which leads me to beg the question, 'WHY WOULD YOU LIVE IN FRONT OF A CROCODILE INFESTED SWAMP?"Australia's a big place, they'd be pretty spoilt for choice where to live, I'm sure living on the top of Ayers Rock would be pretty safe, only if you don't suffer from Vertigo, mate.

I know "Beatiful four bedroom chalet in Queensland, with two bathrooms and a swimming pool with beautiful scenery and a CROCODILE INFESTED SWAMP - BY THE WAY YOU MIGHT DIE MATE" probably didn't feature in the Estate Agent's but come on, do your bloody research mate!

Why is the media saying 'feared dead', 'probably dead' - of course the kid's dead. The crocodile didn't take him for a cup of Earl Grey and a chicken sandwich. Mate.

Is a house with a crocodile infested swamp a suitable habitat for a family with young children? No. So why bloody move there mate?

"Oh no, my son got eaten by a fifteen foot alligator mate" - YEAH, because you're an absolute moron who thought it would be a good idea to live by a swamp, mate, deal with it. I don't live by a swamp, and my family members don't get eaten by crocodiles. SIMPLE MATE.

Bye Bye Phil Scolari!

The Premiership has quite literally done the double today. No less than half a day after the sacking of Tony Tony Adams as Pompey boss, Big Phil Scolari has bitten the dusk. I tell you, I'm not surprised.

Chelsea have been shockingly bad this season since he's been there. Yeah they're still fourth, yeah they're still in the FA Cup and yeah they're still in the Champions League. But the stark reality of it all is that a blind, deaf and dumb Mongoose could do equally as well with the quality of players Chelsea have at their disposal. That's basically A FACT.

"Felipe has brought many positives to the club since he joined" According to a Chelsea spokesman. What positives exactly? He's done an AVERAGE job that even Tony Adams could've done.

This isn't a race thing, but the dude could BARELY string an English sentence together. Now how does a manager who has English as his third language motivate an English league team? Answer; he can't.

"Oh, um, Lampar' you take centre ball in midfield and stop tackle and keep score, you understand Lampar'?"

What?

His interviews are barely comprehensible, and almost as bad as Juande Ramos's ones (when he actually bothered to do them). Chelsea need to get Mourinho back, or manage to persuade some other Premiership manager with big-bucks to come. PLEASE PLEASE GET GARY MEGSON.

I propose this question - Should English teams revert to using SOLELY good English speaking managers? Because for me that seems a sensible pre-requisite for the job.

OH MY GOD, UFO'S ARE SIGHTED

Yup, in Greece apparently. Of all the places they chose it was Greek Airspace. Coulda been my backgarden, but no. Aren't the beautifully arranged Tulips and Hydrangeas of my garden good enough for those not of this world? Perhaps not, perhaps their tastes lie in a different type of art. Maybe they'll be spotted slap bang in the middle of the Tate Modern, or The Louvre. Who knows.

I've always been of the opinion that there IS intelligent life outside of our tiny little microcosm that we call 'Earth'. In a universe so so massive, it's pretty arrogant and naive to believe that there is NOTHING else out there that could consitute intelligence. Of course, I'm not talking about Dr Who kinda aliens with beaks instead of feet or solar panels for eyes, but small insects or space plankton that sufficiently survive in the universe's atmosphere. Wouldn't that be cool? Perhaps there's a bug that once properly trained can fix car breaks, or diffuse a nuclear bomb. I'm digressing, naturally, but you get what I'm saying dontcha?

Okay, so this UFO was sighted right. So, I bet you're wondering "WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?", well I'll tell you:

"The object then shot off at incredible speed skyward and the jets failed to indentify anything."

Oh oh oh, what a coincidence. Maybe this is a massive government conspiracy or coverup. I'd love it to be, but once again we're foiled by reconaissance UFO's who only, it appears, want to float around the Med and get a suntan. But before we could properly find out. IT GOES AWAY.

Maybe they floated over London and saw the Spurs Arsenal game and got so so bloody bored they sped home not ever wanting to come back. Come back though guys, Spurs are better than that. I promise...

The Big Bong Theory

So, IT'S HAPPENED AGAIN. Richard and Judy's sprog Chloe has been choking on a fat bong at a party - and she's been photographed! Ironically after the glowing parents said that their children were so anti-Drugs. Evidently not. Perhaps if you spent time picking them up from school rather than presenting a shockingly tedious and mind-numbingly frustrating TV show at 5 O'Clock they wouldn't have become dependent on HARD DRUGS. I gest of course, but it raises a serious point...I wonder how many people in the public eye don't get caught smoking Cannabis or even worse; CRACK.

Maybe photos will arise of Leo Blair snorting coke off his pram handles, or perhaps Mihir Bose lying in a street corner with a tourniqet wrapped round his arm. I don't know, the world's going insane. Perhaps everyone who's famous does drugs? I mean, it makes sense right? Macaulay Culkin and Drew Barrymore were narcotic connoisseurs by the age of 14, so maybe anything is possible?

Poor old Chloe isn't even famous. That's the thing. Her fucking parents barely make the E list and there she is splattered over the News of the World for doing something that kids do when they're young. Incidentally, how much do you reckon this story is worth? £10 or £20? I might hang about parties that are held by the offspring of famous people on the offchance that I catch one of them lighting up a joint, or heating up a rock. How entrepreneurial of me?

I remember being in the company of two Premiership footballers once, and they asked me if I had any Cannabis and that they wished that I smoked so that they could have some. Would the News of the World be interested in that? I don't have photos though, and I also don't want to wreck someone's career just for a quick buck. If you're interested though, contact me and I'll divulge - although you have to trade an equally as exciting hot off the press story.

Oi 'Arry, why did ya say it?

So, it's official. Prince Harry is not just a bit of a racist. But he's an absolute idiot too. Did he not think that someone would eventually call him out on using the word Paki as a throwaway term, or has the frontline damaged his frontal lobe so much he can't discern from what is sensible and what isn't. Doesn't he realise that if he does stupid things PEOPLE WILL FIND OUT. It's not like he's Michael Phelps...

There was a kid at my school years ago who had the surname 'Paxman', we instinctively transformed this harmless English surname into the rather naive abbreviation of 'Paki'. This was waaaay before Labour and before anyone really thought that using racist terms to call their mates was a bad thing. You should have seen the look on other school's faces when we called for the ball in football in away games. Priceless.

Was that down to us being stupid? Yes. But it was due entirely to youthful innocence and the lack of being able to make the distinction between right and wrong. We knew it wasn't the best word to call him, but when we were in the playground we totally forgot about the connotations behind the word and that was how we justified it then and it's why I'm justifying it now.

Is this Harry being stupid? Yes again. Is it down to youthful innocence? Of course not. The 'man' should know better. Even if the man in question was totally fine with the fact that his friends and fellow allies referred to him as 'a Paki' then Harry should have realised that calling him a Paki in private, let alone on a bloody video camera was a BAD IDEA. Or did he not get taught the rights and wrongs of social discourse? Maybe they missed it out at Prince school. I certainly never got taught what was right and wrong, I was intelligent enough to work it out for myself. But the question here is: Is Harry?

Bye Bye Tony Adams!

Okay, so Tony Adams is going to be sacked in the morning from his post as manager of Portsmouth FC. He does know this by the way; I wasn't leaked the news early. I'm not THAT important. At least, I think he knows...

Is it just me or have Portsmouth handed Tony a massive death sentence in sacking him, because he really does look on the edge and has done for a very very long time. As a really successful player, this doesn't seem to have transcended into his managerial capabilities as he has helped Portsmouth suck an inordinate amount since Harry Redknapp left a few months ago. Moving swiftly on...

Every game there seems to be less hair on Tone's head, and the bags under his eyes are getting darker and darker. I do feel bad for the guy, has the alcoholism come back? The man who was once quote as saying:

"I don’t actually like people. I’m a loner and if I had my way I’d just walk my dogs every day, never talk to anyone and then die." - Bearing in mind the dude has a wife, he clearly is losing his grip on reality, surely? Okay mate. That's not nice on the missus or infact the kids.

Should Pompey have given Tony more of a chance? How about they shouldn't have hired him in the first place! The guy sucked hard at High Wycombe, a not very good club. Why did the Portsmouth board even think hiring him was a good idea? Maybe they're effing mad too! We'll never know. As I sit behind my tiny computer screen I wonder what the delights of English football will have in store for Adams? You can come work as Assistant Manager at Colchester United if you want mate!

I wonder what Paul Merson thinks?

Here's a few Tony quotes to make you smile:

"Left alone with our own heads on, we can be pretty mental"

"I've been preparing the boys - I told the centre-halves to get ready with their tin helmets"

Barmy.

No God???

"There is plenty of evidence for God [...] But there is scant evidence on the other side" cries Stephen Green, national director of Christian Voice from the roof of his church in Hounslow. Really Stephen? Is that right? Heard of a guy called Charles Darwin? I think he came up with some evidence that constitutes a bit more than 'Scant'. Even if you are a Theist you'd appreciate that The Theory of Evolution was a bit more than 'scant' evidence.

Irrespective of whether you actually believe in the Christian Bible, surely you should still advocate Free Speech. If you believe that Jesus Christ was the son of God and you read the Bible with intensity, you'd know that Jesus was a large advocate for Free Speech. Maybe not though. I suppose it depends on your interpretation. Stephen goes on to say;

"There is plenty of evidence for God, from people's personal experience, to the complexity, interdependence, beauty and design of the natural world"

That's not really 'evidence' is it? Evidence would be God coming down, teaching you to fly and it being caught on CCTV.

What I'm saying is that Athiests have to deal with a barrage of pro-Theistic banners and why shouldn't it fly the other way around? We all think what we think, and we should be able to coexist and be able to promote our beliefs be it via advertising on billboards or handing out flyers. Agree?

The Jeremy Clarkson Angle...

Boo bloody hoo, Clarkson's done it again. He's made fun of someone in the public domain. So he called Gordon Brown a "one-eyed Scottish idiot", so what. He's just having a go, a quick joke for quick laugh. It's hardly a pre-emptive strike in an England vs Scotland race war.

We could even break this down just a little bit.

1. Does Gordon Brown have one eye? Yes.
2. Is Gordon Brown Scottish? Yes.
3. Is Gordon Brown an idiot? Well this one is up for debate. Personally, he's pretty inoffensive. He also DOESN'T make me laugh, when Jeremy Clarkson does. I won't make a total judgement on whether Gordon Brown is an idiot. I'd have to go through 12 years of his career in government and probably come to the conclusion that he is in fact not one.

I love the overblown reaction from Scottish Politicians though.

Some MSP had this to say:
"Such a comment is really a reflection on Jeremy Clarkson and speaks for itself"

You're right there. It proves that he's funny, knows how to get a reaction and you're a kilt-wearing fanny with a bean up your arse doing the exact same thing he expects and wants you to do.

"Most people here are proud that the prime minister is a Scot and believe him to be the right person to get the UK through this global economic crisis."

Most people where? In cloud cuckoo land? Or in Scotland? Why would people be proud? Is Iain Gray under the misconception that Scottish people wake up and are genuinely proud of Gordon Brown? I don't think they do pal, do ya ken what I'm saying mate? I'm pretty sure they already hated Jeremy Clarkson before this anyway.

Why is everyone so insensitive? So what, he had a dig at hookers and lorry drivers, he had a dig at Australians, and he has a dig at the French and Americans week in week out. But the last two are okay because...well they're just okay. But you can't offend the Jocks and blind people because that really is stupid, whereas the Yanks and Frogs are fair game. I guarantee I know more Americans than hookers and I guarantee there are more Americans than hookers in the world so why is it okay to have a dig at one but not at the other?

You become Prime Minister with the full expectation someone in some place and at any time is going to call you a ''wanker'', or in this case "a one eyed scottish idiot", you deal with it and move on. Which is what I'm sure Gordy has done, I'm sure he's not going to go crying to his mum in the Cairngorms because some sassenach has called him a mean name. Boo bloody hoo, what a load of old Gollywog.

Antony Worral Thompson stands defiant!!

Big news guys. Hold the phone. Stop EVERYTHING you're doing. Antony Worral Thompson, everyone's favourite rotund celebrity chef is having to close a massive FOUR restaurants. Oh no, what will I do? Worral Thompson (is that hyphened by the way?) is standing defiant at the closures of his eateries; "It makes me cry. It is appalling, to be honest"

Yeah it really does make me cry, Mr T, it's basically worse than genocide. Forget Gaza, forget the Congo, this is the REAL tearjerker. "I am furious that the banks didn't support me." he continues as emotion pours from his cheeks. Why should the support you Tone? It's hardly top of their list. I can picture it now.

Things to do. By The Banks

1. Try and resuscitate the Global Economy.
2. Bank loans to small business's in Rwanda in order to stimulate local economy.
3. Become more transparent so the government and people know what we're doing with their money.
4. Offer real tangible value, so it doesn't look like you're just sitting on our money and making MORE MONEY.
5. Help Antony Worral Thompson.

You come fifth on their list Worral, it's hardly a big thing for them is it. Or maybe you should have just handed your finances a little bit better than you did. Maybe instead of appearing on TV for every second of every day you could've sat down and watched Bargain Hunt with your employees and discuss new ways of dealing with the slowing down of the economy. Go back to the jungle mate.

No Cha Cha for Cha

In other news. A Korean lady of 68 years called 'Cha' has failed her written driving test for the 771st time this week. My mere two pales in comparison to this impressive feat. Has anyone notified the Guiness World Records? Because they really SHOULDN'T sleep on this. Channel Four *might* even make a program on it.

A local traffic officer said this "I feel sorry every time I see Cha fail. When she passes, I'll make a commemorative tablet myself and give it to her," I'm sure this will make her passing date all the more memorable Mr Jung-seok, you sweet sweet man. Maybe you should feel sorry for her Mr Jung-Seok because she appears to be a total utter moron. I could train my four year old blind Guinea-Pig to pass a Korean written driving test! And how about if you ever see her on the roads you should escort her to the nearest bus stop.

Frances Carpenter is even considering making a more up to date version of his 'Tales of a Korean Grandmother' to direct it towards a modern audience. Maybe Cha will have a cameo?

Apprently thus far the tests have cost her a mere £2000 to take. Isn't that the cost of a single driving lesson in Britain? Lucky she's not from here or else the financial burden would be intolerable.

Isn't her taking so many tests just a tad mean! Does her family egg her on every time she fails, or it is her own self determination that spurrs her through her past failures? Maybe they should just let her pass and hopefully she won't bother with the Practical test because she's too busy being shacked up with Mr Jung-Seok, or maybe they should just tell her to pursue a different avenue of transportation. A bicycle or a skateboard for example - you don't need tests for those.

Word on the streets of Seoul is that she is back next week for another written test, will it be 772nd time lucky for Cha? Either way I wish Cha the very best of luck next week, and fingers crossed I wont see her on the roads any time soon.

SNOOOOOOW!

Interesting how when two inches of snow hit the United Kingdom we come to a complete and utter abrupt halt. Yes, the nation who conquered half the world and created the International Language slows down when snow hits. Isn't this the ultimate irony?

TRANSPORT CHAOS they yell from every rooftop, MAYHEM AND MAJOR DISRUPTION flashes on our TV screens. Superlatives being banded about from every alcove of the media. Even Geoff Hoon justifies the governments position, "storing snow ploughs and extra gritting salt would be expensive, when the snowy weather is so unusual". How expensive Geoffrey? More expensive than the incredibly shocking Olympics 2012 logo, or not? This happens at least once a year Geoff - it's not unusual in the sense that it USUALLY happens aroung this time it's not like we live in Australia and it's been freak snowfall in the height of July. Aren't we meant to be stimulating the economy, and how can we do that with millions not at work just because salt will be a 'bit' expensive. Surely the damage to the economy would outweigh the cost of salt? Or maybe that's me making an assumption that salt is expensive and the economy isn't important.

Schools called off, people calling in to work citing "excessive snowfall" for the reason that they can't make it in to call centres. National Express quickly generating auto-messages so that people like me have to wait in an even longer phone queue than normal just because some spotty-faced teenager can't muster enough energy to sweep the snow off his BMX cycles two miles and sit down with a headset to tell me whether I can get the train from London to Brighton today. Is this right? The kind of snowfall we had recently is the kind that Scandinavians laugh off in their sleep. My Aunt lives in Oslo, and I notice that her Englishness is being phased out of her when she tells me that she made it into work with fifteen minutes to spare WHEN there was 12 Inches of snow barricading her door and her car wouldn't work until she'd put on all four snow chains and anti-freeze in the engine. A descendent of Robert Scott she may be but it still doesn't explain why she can make it to work when Dave Smith from Chester considers two inches of snow to be the beginning of the next Ice Age.